Sep 20, 2011

I don't want pity, I want my life back

Everybody walks by "hopes" your doing well. Even if they ask, you reply "I'm doing well thank you for asking" cuz you dont want let them in... I don't want pity; I want my life back but the matter of fact is my life will never be the same again, it went from full joy and laughter to late nights in the hospital and early mornings full of test and labs. I'm stunned that all this has happens since April. My dad asks me all the time what or how are you feeling. Is it trick question? Because I'm not sure if I am able to feel anything at all if; If do it's total frustration and anger though I have to hide. I have learned that humans are interesting. Although I originally didn't feel bad; all i had was a concern, no pain, no sickness but they keep digging till I feel pain or feel sickness. Is really necessary to tell about this pain or will they laugh in my face cuz I'm over-reacting but in the beginning I was under-reacting. It really makes me scared to honest with them... I feel terrible when I complain, there is somebody out there who is worse off than I am and is taking it better than me. I mean I am stage 2 of 4 I'm only half way bad...I don't even wana think about stage 4!!

- Sincerely Sarah's iPhone


Scribe said...

Here's my take. Don't stuff anything down. Don't swallow your emotions. Be honest about them. You are entitled to your feelings, you are allowed to "feel" something without comparing them to other's experiences...because this is yours. Courage isn't putting on a brave face to make everyone else feel better... its being honest with yourself and those you love... and then pressing on in faith. Trusting in the Lord. He will sustain you. Pray. Write. Live your life the very best with what you are given. We don't always get to choose our story, but we have all creative control ;)

Barb said...

Being angry and missing your old life is perfectly normal Sarah. Your going through some really heavy crap. Be honest about how you feel. You need to let your feelings out both for yourself and so the people around you can help you.

gowestferalwoman said...

Went to the grocery store last week - the clerk who rang up our items asked in a very bored voice "do you want to donate a dollar today to help fight breast cancer?"

I looked at her and just started laughing. I walked away to load the groceries into our cart. My tolerant husband explained to the shocked clerk that "my wife has another type of cancer shes fighting right now, so the answer is basically no" yes, I need to donate my dollar to my own cancer fund thats not as popular, or pretty marketable, or pink...;P but no,Im not jealous lol..just irritated sometimes. And thats very normal. Life is always changing and i get irritated by it when im tired, in pain, or feel weak in spirit...very normal emotions. like yours.

That clerk walked away from her register as we were leaving. Im hoping the reason was because she was going to tell her manager that she doesnt want to ask that darn question ever again, even if october is Breast cancer awareness month...

What i am saying is that it is okay for us non populars to be the wild renegades we are, and be eye openers if we have to, even when we are cranky - just dont whip out swords and guns when you do it, or curse like a drunken pirate; otherwise they might arrest you lol

Hang in there Sarah, you be a tough cookie!

Barb said...

It's very hard when your illness isn't on the top 10 can be a very lonely place. While I don't have cancer I do have what I call an "orphan illness" that entered my world in March of 1998. Every single time my eyes are open I am in intractable pain. There is no treatment. There are no meds to treat it. There simply are not even enough people that have it for any research to go into it. Not even my family members remember the name of it........which hurts on a whole different level.

I read your blog gowestferelwoman......gosh you sound like a fun, fun, peaceful soul.

I will be praying for you as I do Sarah.