Mar 13, 2012

the Web of Life

Today I raced the PT down the hall with crutches even though I don’t need them with the walking cast I beat her so she released me from physical therapy. I had a lot of visitors too. A bunch of my friends from church, Aunt tammy and my cuz Trevor (we looked up my mri to show my parents, they haven’t seen it till now) and some other friends, and some other family, and some more people lol. I am soooo tired but I still cant sleep.
  Life is amazing. Do you think everything happens for a reason? Or just coincidence? I think most things happen for a reason. To say the least I still cannot speak so at night I just lay here and think about life. What series of events lead me here or relate to my status.
 After I graduated high school I started to work at a church camp which I attended as a camper. My job was a special needs’ instructor. One week I was not assigned to a camper so I was supposed to chill out with a cabin that was overflowing with adolescence. Right after I was finished with my opening day job I was called and said that there was a change of plans. I was needed for a 12 year old girl as a walking guide. She was part of a cabin of “Care Free” campers, which are kids who has or has had cancer. This 13 year old girl had a tumor in her optical nerve which when removed, left her blind. I had the privilege to spend the week with amazing individual. We spent 7 day arm to arm and heart to heart. I wish there were words to describe that summer. What I thought was so fascinating is that she loved book and to draw. One day she asked me if she could see my bible so I gave it to her. She opened it and I had some pictures in there of my family and my dog and she grabbed them and asked me what they were of and I told her and we talked about our families and pets, and then she turned the page in my bible and there was a piece of paper? And slid her fingers down it and asked who is it from? I was didn’t understand. She asked again who is this letter from? I answered how did you know it was a letter? She the heading was Dear Sarah. She knew it was a letter because of the indents in the paper. I was so amazed. She hasn’t been blind for that long maybe two or three years. I love observing people. I wish I understood then what I do now. The fact is you cannot understand until you experience. She was such a strong girl. I wish that I can relive that week or better yet that summer and take more with me. I think about her and Joel’s mom an awful lot. I wish I remember more detail of them both and the strength they had to move forward and claim the new norms and but proud of it too. I understand that we all have our own stories to write but I understand so much more now that crossed the paths of these to strong women. It is probable that I had the tumor when met them, as big as it was the doc didn’t know how long it has been there but he said probably for years. I was thinking high school-ish but Im not sure that my guess.
At night they still put the bed alarm on me…when will they ever learn? I work in the hospital, when they leave I just shut it off. i still think it funny when the aides call me in the room on the intercom and ask me if im okay? And in hear in the background “yeah…. she can’t answer you… you have to go in there” that my entertainment for the night they know I cant talk back but they forget, which is okay it seems the kind of thing I would do. Lol its just funny.
 I still don’t know what kind of tumor it was…we should find out next week when I get my staples out. 

Feb 12, 2012

this dream is now my reality

I spent the next two days up out of bed with PT. I still have my bright pink walking cast on. I think they were worried about me falling with my cast versus being worried about weakness because the weakness was then above the hip. So one day I got dress and even put on a sports bra because I was going to get out this room! By the time PT got to my room I was up in the chair and dressed and my mom brushed my hair and put it back in the braids. She walked in and I signed walk to her. She laughed and told me I passed my strength tests she would write me off to walk with assistance AND with a walker. I guess beggars cannot be choosers. So she went through and did my testing and Im telling you, magically it was much hard that day (I don’t think she wanted me to walk lol jk jk) but I did it. I had be able to from my right hand around the walker and put pressure on it. I had to use my left hand to adjust my right but it work and she was okay with it. She asked me if I want to rest or go for a short walk. Was that supposed to be rhetorical? I wanted to walk. She put the gate belt around me and held on for dear life. Lol she was so puny and I’m 5’7’’ and husky. Lol I started out the door her holding both hand tightly onto my belt; and I was off. I circle the small ICU but when you have been bed ridded and lost your strength small distance was hard.
The next day I was woken up by my nurse, Maria, she told me that she had a surprise for me. She told me I have another room waiting on me. I was moving out of ICU. I was so glad.  This meant to some of the tube and wires were staying in ICU but I was not. This also meant I could as many people as I wanted at the same time not just two people at a time and finally this meant a real shower :D
I began to realize all the things we truly take for granted. At this point my Dr. was expecting me have more words than I did. I could now rise my about to shoulder level but I still could hold a pencil or eat utensils. I started to use my left hand to write the things I needed. At night I would try to say my ABC or even better yet go through the sound in my head but when I let a sound out it wasn’t right. Would I be like this forever? A few days ago I had the surgery that would turn my life upside down and two weeks ago I just found out that I have critical tumor…it all seemed like a dream…and this dream is now my reality.

Jan 10, 2012

I think there were ants in my bed

Who knows how long I was in that bed. It was one of those electric beds I use on the floor I worked in. The employees really love the beds. It weighs the pt, installed bed alarms, and air moves though it to help with pressure sores. I honestly did understand why the pts would complain about the bed but I do now. Just when I got comfortable the bed would move and the motor is louder than I thought. Then there was the SCD’s. I have no clue what that stands for but we use them on my pts too. They are things that wrap around your calf muscles and they inflate and deflate for people to help prevent blood clots in the legs. But I only had one on my right leg but I had the big hot pink cast on the other. Again I always thought it would nice. I kind of thought it would feel like a leg massage… it didn’t. it was then I started to feel sorry for all the pt (or most of the pts haha) I put in those bed, and put the SCD’s on, and leave the blood pressure cuff on the same arm…
My dad always said why don’t you watch tv? But by the second day I was getting annoyed and antsy. I don’t even watch TV at home! That afternoon I took a nap after and nice dose of pain meds. my family always left when I fell asleep to eat or take a nap too. I woke up to “Miss Tweed,” I hate being called Miss Tweed but I didn’t say anything, though I couldn’t if I tried. “I am your Physical Therapist may I work with you?” I was so glad to hear those words. We began by wiggling toes and fingers, and lifting my limbs, and the strength test. I was able to left both legs but my arm and face were still flaccid so I couldn’t walk today but I could sit in a chair with the chair alarm on. That was okay with me. I was just happy to get out of bed!